These moments are big and although when you're not seeing much progress I guess it's the things you most look forward to that seem significant. Having had the all clear from the OC as far as my bones go I now am to wean myself out of Maddie the brace. I have spent alot of time already without it on for comfort purposes and yes I have felt strong so why not. That mental crutch of bones mending at 10 weeks allowed a big change in the last 2 weeks. I have felt able to use my back muscles and feel a different soreness, one of overworking rather than due to being damaged.
So the big moment came to go outside on my own. I say on my own what I mean is without the brace although I didn't exactly have an entourage, mum came with! I can't begin to explain how going out in public can be with a brace on. Some days I was able to zone out and not give two ffs to people staring or acknowledging my situation. I have always been like this - a double edged sword, a shy show off, a paranoid extrovert. You never quite know what you're gonna get but I believe the excitement is in finding out. Anyhow, other days all you can feel is eyes on you, your breathing shortens and claustrophobia sets in. You can't get comfortable in a chair and you don't feel strong enough to stand. Those days are staying in days. I'm so used to people staring that when they don't I wonder why, so that's what I had to get my head around when I was without it! Why aren't people staring?
For those that know me people often stare due to my hair colour. The pink had the most impact and the same went then that some days I cared and some I didn't. When I was blonde more men looked at me. But yesterday if someone looked at me it was me they were looking at, not because of my hair, because they were just looking at me.
I felt good out there. Good to get a full breath at last, to fill my lungs and stand tall on my own. Dare I say it I was proud of me, for dealing with the social stigma of having a disability/whatever you want to call it and coming out the other side. I have always been aware of others ineptitude of the blind lesbian but now I have felt it. People keep saying they can't begin to imagine what it has been like, they're right, however there are some very brave people in my life who have tried. Seeing me in hospital and being suspended in the brace has been difficult and it's those stares I will never forget...the proud ones.
Free of Hbombot
Hbombx
What can I say? You always amaze me with your self-awareness and your courage, which I will take with me to theatre this afternoon. I am in my hospital room and I feel very calm and peaceful. But this not about me, it is about you and your recovery, which has been hard to endure ... but just look at you now! I am glad you feel proud of yourself because you certainly should be and I cannot tell you how proud I am of you, as are all your family and friends. So onwards and upwards for us both. I carry your heart in my heart always.
ReplyDeleteYour proud and loving aunt xx