Having not worn the brace for 2 weeks I have lost my Hbombot title. For a few weeks i'd been gearing up to something, picturing myself at the wedding of our great friends Sam and Tina. It's been a massive goal as it meant travelling to Derbyshire, atleast an hour and a half in the car. As weddings are notoriously long days I wanted to be able to physically withstand the amount of sitting and standing (let alone the dancing) that would be involved.
Last weekend my dear friend Tarry (so called as I have a few Sarah's) took me further afield to see how I would cope with a longer journey. I felt fine and even tried on some wedding rings which is another story entirely! The following day we had another little jaunt incorporating two of my favourite things - Harrogate baths and Bettys for tea & fat rascals. The heat on my back was something I've craved since being in hospital so I was delighted to cope with and thoroughly enjoy the whole experience.
D had already had to miss the stag do in order to look after me so I was slightly dogearedly determined to be part of the celebrations. My slight nervousness of social situations has only arisen from not being part of things for so many months. I knew when out the corner of my eye I could see D looking proudly at me that I was back part of it again.
I was delighted to see how happy Sam and Tina were and to share in that. To be with friends letting go for the first time in forever. Most of all I was proud to have met a goal, one where I can look back and know the preparation was key. The visualisation involved in being in a place and the physical stretching needed to get mobile enough.
Now for another fat rascal, after all it's only of my favourite things!
Hbombx
Sunday, 29 January 2012
Friday, 13 January 2012
Life without Maddie...
These moments are big and although when you're not seeing much progress I guess it's the things you most look forward to that seem significant. Having had the all clear from the OC as far as my bones go I now am to wean myself out of Maddie the brace. I have spent alot of time already without it on for comfort purposes and yes I have felt strong so why not. That mental crutch of bones mending at 10 weeks allowed a big change in the last 2 weeks. I have felt able to use my back muscles and feel a different soreness, one of overworking rather than due to being damaged.
So the big moment came to go outside on my own. I say on my own what I mean is without the brace although I didn't exactly have an entourage, mum came with! I can't begin to explain how going out in public can be with a brace on. Some days I was able to zone out and not give two ffs to people staring or acknowledging my situation. I have always been like this - a double edged sword, a shy show off, a paranoid extrovert. You never quite know what you're gonna get but I believe the excitement is in finding out. Anyhow, other days all you can feel is eyes on you, your breathing shortens and claustrophobia sets in. You can't get comfortable in a chair and you don't feel strong enough to stand. Those days are staying in days. I'm so used to people staring that when they don't I wonder why, so that's what I had to get my head around when I was without it! Why aren't people staring?
For those that know me people often stare due to my hair colour. The pink had the most impact and the same went then that some days I cared and some I didn't. When I was blonde more men looked at me. But yesterday if someone looked at me it was me they were looking at, not because of my hair, because they were just looking at me.
I felt good out there. Good to get a full breath at last, to fill my lungs and stand tall on my own. Dare I say it I was proud of me, for dealing with the social stigma of having a disability/whatever you want to call it and coming out the other side. I have always been aware of others ineptitude of the blind lesbian but now I have felt it. People keep saying they can't begin to imagine what it has been like, they're right, however there are some very brave people in my life who have tried. Seeing me in hospital and being suspended in the brace has been difficult and it's those stares I will never forget...the proud ones.
Free of Hbombot
Hbombx
So the big moment came to go outside on my own. I say on my own what I mean is without the brace although I didn't exactly have an entourage, mum came with! I can't begin to explain how going out in public can be with a brace on. Some days I was able to zone out and not give two ffs to people staring or acknowledging my situation. I have always been like this - a double edged sword, a shy show off, a paranoid extrovert. You never quite know what you're gonna get but I believe the excitement is in finding out. Anyhow, other days all you can feel is eyes on you, your breathing shortens and claustrophobia sets in. You can't get comfortable in a chair and you don't feel strong enough to stand. Those days are staying in days. I'm so used to people staring that when they don't I wonder why, so that's what I had to get my head around when I was without it! Why aren't people staring?
For those that know me people often stare due to my hair colour. The pink had the most impact and the same went then that some days I cared and some I didn't. When I was blonde more men looked at me. But yesterday if someone looked at me it was me they were looking at, not because of my hair, because they were just looking at me.
I felt good out there. Good to get a full breath at last, to fill my lungs and stand tall on my own. Dare I say it I was proud of me, for dealing with the social stigma of having a disability/whatever you want to call it and coming out the other side. I have always been aware of others ineptitude of the blind lesbian but now I have felt it. People keep saying they can't begin to imagine what it has been like, they're right, however there are some very brave people in my life who have tried. Seeing me in hospital and being suspended in the brace has been difficult and it's those stares I will never forget...the proud ones.
Free of Hbombot
Hbombx
Monday, 2 January 2012
Hakuna matata
With the emergence of a new year that most people would write off as rubbish I can't help but remember how well my life was going before the accident. That's not to say I'm feeling victimus by any means it's just I did do and have some marvellous things happen in 2011. Having started this blog for one in order to document what happened when and how psychologically such an impact has.
At the start of last year D and I had moved into a fantastic 3 layered house which allowed us to get a dog, something both of us had been talking about since the moment we met. For me having a dog of my own was a childhood dream. My dad had up to 4 dogs at a time and my fondest memory is when two had litters at the same time. I will never forget the scurry of puppies towards an open door at my feet. There must have been 20 of them (well it felt like that anyway!). We wanted to rescue a dog and give it a better life than the path it was going down so after a few hearts set on different dogs (damn those cute Internet pictures!) we stumbled across our Arthur. Don't get me wrong he's a whole lotta dog at 30kg but everyone comments at how lovely his nature is although he is dog and food obsessed. He has been a delight to have around and made getting up much more purposeful. After the accident my heart hurt missing him and when I got home it hurt even more not being able to be around him/walk him/bend down to him. But actually during my recovery he has been the best company. For anyone who has had or has a dog you'll know just how much dogs can cheer your day. One thing I love is to go and watch him run, he is a pure athlete and runs almost as fast as a greyhound. Often I go in the back of the car and wander slowly behind my excitable chap. Just bliss.
The other massive difference of last year was my change in exercise habits. I have always exercised as a habitual thing from childhood and used yoga as a relaxation technique. In January last year I found a new love for ashtanga and through it a new world opened up. Before dog I would spend all my spare time fitting in running, cycling, spinning, body pump or legs bums & tums. What I found when getting a dog was how little time and focus I had for other exercise. Suddenly I was revolved round walking him so when we (me and my new pal Sar) started the series it became my only other form of exercise other than cycling there and back. Along with the practice I embarked on a friendship with someone who I have come to realise is very like me. I haven't exercised with someone since Helen Watts used to swim on my toes all through my teenage years. For me exercise gives a sense of freedom when done alone but started something new is a massive bond in experience so when me and Sar struggled remembering what comes next we could prompt each other (although sometimes I wonder what sheet she'd been looking at! Ha). By the summer I had memorised the routine and could do most of the difficult postures so to not be bending and stretching is alien to me. Even being immobile in my back means I am constantly stretching my legs as their connectivity to the back is highlighted more and more in this situation.
One thing we didn't expect from last year is don't enjoying one form of yoga that was Bikram. My sister Em often says I find hideous new experiences for her when she visits and this topped it all. Bikram is done in blaring heat and to even stay in the room for 90 minutes is test enough. I can only describe the heat as that moment you step off the plane in a blisteringly hot country. Then imagine standing in it and not moving to the air conditioned bus. The teaching is strict (a microphone always gives that extra ego) and no wiping sweat, twitching or itching makes me want to punch someone just thinking about it.
Having left my competitive days behind me I embarked on a group bike ride from Wetherby to Filey (74 miles). To be honest I had thought I'd be riding with friends but the competitor in most of them lead to a split in the pack and me lagging behind slagging off competitive sport to myself. These days a ride out is a social way of seeing the world (especially the gorgeous Yorkshire Dales) and I have enjoyed doing rides with Ilkley cycling club as many people are there just for that. I'm all for group riding and helping each out having read many cycling autobiographies, Lance Armstrong being the most passionate about peloton riding.
As soon as I had the accident I wanted to sell my bike as I bought it for it's cuteness rather than size fit. At 5ft 11" spending 5hrs on a too small bike makes for a numb back and with my cutthroat attitude now it's gotta go. It really is the most attractive bike and men literally salivate when passing (believe me it's not over my lycra!).
The most exciting thing about last year (well apart from losing 2 stone) was D asking me to marry him. Apparently I asked for a ring for 'that' finger but I guess at this age you don't beat around the bush. To be his wife is something I will cherish and through my recovery has been an exciting focus. When I walk down that aisle, i've said it before, will be a miracle in itself and I am looking forward to this year not only making a full recovery but to being married.
I know I will never be the same person. I've never been patient but now I have been one I see that manic nature so differently. It just doesn't matter all this running round like a mad woman fitting everything in just for the sake of not being disappointed with yourself.
Hakuna matata - no worries
Hbombotx
At the start of last year D and I had moved into a fantastic 3 layered house which allowed us to get a dog, something both of us had been talking about since the moment we met. For me having a dog of my own was a childhood dream. My dad had up to 4 dogs at a time and my fondest memory is when two had litters at the same time. I will never forget the scurry of puppies towards an open door at my feet. There must have been 20 of them (well it felt like that anyway!). We wanted to rescue a dog and give it a better life than the path it was going down so after a few hearts set on different dogs (damn those cute Internet pictures!) we stumbled across our Arthur. Don't get me wrong he's a whole lotta dog at 30kg but everyone comments at how lovely his nature is although he is dog and food obsessed. He has been a delight to have around and made getting up much more purposeful. After the accident my heart hurt missing him and when I got home it hurt even more not being able to be around him/walk him/bend down to him. But actually during my recovery he has been the best company. For anyone who has had or has a dog you'll know just how much dogs can cheer your day. One thing I love is to go and watch him run, he is a pure athlete and runs almost as fast as a greyhound. Often I go in the back of the car and wander slowly behind my excitable chap. Just bliss.
The other massive difference of last year was my change in exercise habits. I have always exercised as a habitual thing from childhood and used yoga as a relaxation technique. In January last year I found a new love for ashtanga and through it a new world opened up. Before dog I would spend all my spare time fitting in running, cycling, spinning, body pump or legs bums & tums. What I found when getting a dog was how little time and focus I had for other exercise. Suddenly I was revolved round walking him so when we (me and my new pal Sar) started the series it became my only other form of exercise other than cycling there and back. Along with the practice I embarked on a friendship with someone who I have come to realise is very like me. I haven't exercised with someone since Helen Watts used to swim on my toes all through my teenage years. For me exercise gives a sense of freedom when done alone but started something new is a massive bond in experience so when me and Sar struggled remembering what comes next we could prompt each other (although sometimes I wonder what sheet she'd been looking at! Ha). By the summer I had memorised the routine and could do most of the difficult postures so to not be bending and stretching is alien to me. Even being immobile in my back means I am constantly stretching my legs as their connectivity to the back is highlighted more and more in this situation.
One thing we didn't expect from last year is don't enjoying one form of yoga that was Bikram. My sister Em often says I find hideous new experiences for her when she visits and this topped it all. Bikram is done in blaring heat and to even stay in the room for 90 minutes is test enough. I can only describe the heat as that moment you step off the plane in a blisteringly hot country. Then imagine standing in it and not moving to the air conditioned bus. The teaching is strict (a microphone always gives that extra ego) and no wiping sweat, twitching or itching makes me want to punch someone just thinking about it.
Having left my competitive days behind me I embarked on a group bike ride from Wetherby to Filey (74 miles). To be honest I had thought I'd be riding with friends but the competitor in most of them lead to a split in the pack and me lagging behind slagging off competitive sport to myself. These days a ride out is a social way of seeing the world (especially the gorgeous Yorkshire Dales) and I have enjoyed doing rides with Ilkley cycling club as many people are there just for that. I'm all for group riding and helping each out having read many cycling autobiographies, Lance Armstrong being the most passionate about peloton riding.
As soon as I had the accident I wanted to sell my bike as I bought it for it's cuteness rather than size fit. At 5ft 11" spending 5hrs on a too small bike makes for a numb back and with my cutthroat attitude now it's gotta go. It really is the most attractive bike and men literally salivate when passing (believe me it's not over my lycra!).
The most exciting thing about last year (well apart from losing 2 stone) was D asking me to marry him. Apparently I asked for a ring for 'that' finger but I guess at this age you don't beat around the bush. To be his wife is something I will cherish and through my recovery has been an exciting focus. When I walk down that aisle, i've said it before, will be a miracle in itself and I am looking forward to this year not only making a full recovery but to being married.
I know I will never be the same person. I've never been patient but now I have been one I see that manic nature so differently. It just doesn't matter all this running round like a mad woman fitting everything in just for the sake of not being disappointed with yourself.
Hakuna matata - no worries
Hbombotx
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