I've spent alot of time reflecting this month, it's something I've always done at the end of a year but this one seems rather surreal. Usually I am run into the ground having completed a season with Northern Ballet. Their run up to Christmas is manic and the atmosphere of needing a break spreads the company like wild fire. I have been missing them, being in a theatre embellishes my theatrical side without the nervousness of being on stage. Although many theatres are absolute dives they have a sense of excitement as the dancers prepare to go on stage. Working in this environment is grotty and tough with very little natural light but it had a sense of being part of something special. I miss my dancers, their innocent faces and entertaining chat. Many have visited and made me feel missed, Christmas is a funny time and even though i am rarely amongst the madness of it all I am hearing about it, these days social networking doesn't allow you to miss a trick!
About 4 years ago I made the decision to not go back 'home' to my folks for Christmas. It made me feel like I was left on the shelf and sink into a self pitying food gorging slump with the rest of them. The first year I chose to spend it with some wonderful friends who have always made me feel like part of theirs, coincidentally I met D just before it so also had the luxury of seeing him later in the day. Now D and I have the day we always hankered after. We do what we want, drink what we fancy and go to the pub if we want to. We don't follow any tradition, we just do what we want when we want to. This is kind of enabled by the fact neither of us live anywhere near our families. Yesterday I started reflecting though thatca year ago we were rolling out the Christmas Market full of beer and mulled wine, I remember this well as my first nephew was born during a booze fuelled sleep after which I woke in the middle of the night to messages of impatience to announce his arrival. I woke D to announce he was an Uncle and he was to share a bottle of port to celebrate, during which I booked the red eye to fit in meeting him before Christmas was upon us. Half cut and full of excitement after 2 hours sleep I travelled to Manchester airport 50 miles away to be told the Guernsey flight was cancelled due to a light smattering of snow.
Strangely being in this position this year leads to more and more comparisons to what I was like before. This year I have missed most the Christmas madness (jel?) mainly due to claustrophobia in shops and the brace making me incapable of facing the hoards of shoppers. But it also means no eating out, no Christmas parties or drinks out. I will face my Christmas dinner either out my brace sat up for my allocated 40 mins or spoon fed by my patient hubby to be. That all sounds so victimus but that's how it feels some of the time. What I will have to remember is one of the things that has got me through this whole period, is that I was asked to be someone's bride this year and next I will be one. My amazing Aunt reminds me of my impending wedding to keep me focused and it is one hell of a goal as the dress is ordered and the dreaded list done in 10 minutes. It will be a miracle that I am fit to bursting about. So when everyone is making the olde resolution list I will have more of a miracle list - to walk down the aisle unaided! Put that in your stocking!
Bah humbug
Hbombotx
Monday, 19 December 2011
Wednesday, 14 December 2011
Bite sized chunks...
Speaking to a Physio friend of mine today made me appreciate how difficult it is to take an objective view of yourself. As a soft tissue therapist I should surely be able to assess myself but it really does get taken over by emotion, pain and fear. All of these things cloud our judgement leading us to an obscured view of ourselves.
So when my friend said all you have to remember is bones take 8 weeks and soft tissue up to 12 that's what I need to take forward. I keep getting told my job at the moment is to recover, I hadn't quite got my head round that til now as resting to me equals boredom. Doing something so focused on myself also feels selfish. I'm used to doing things for others, thinking of others and even my work revolves round others so focusing on me is an alien prospect.
The reason for having made no entries to this blog for weeks is my inability to cope with the world and people of late. Having almost passed through this time on a bit of a high surrounded by some kind of invincible cloak last week I crashed and burned. After spending 2 days crying at anything nice, people talking about the future and anything at all with any complexity, I have come out the other side feeling like me again. People often say your state in life is reflective in your hair colour. Well last year when I wonderfully colourful and ginger friend freakishly died I changed my hair colour more than anyone I've known. Going from blonde to bright red then pink to black to brown then red again back to blonde you'd have thought something was very wrong. A nosey outspoken colleague barked at me in the lift once "are you going through a crisis?", I should have dumbfounded her with the freakish truth that my amazing zest for life friend taken from this earth far too early had such a sod it attitude I was vicariously living my hair for him. I never really understood this at the time but I did take on a rather sod you kind of attitude, a little like straight after my time post accident.
Now that I've come back down to earth, have a conscience and feel more natural my hair has been returned to the closest it's been to its natural colour. My hair is rarely washed and managing very nicely apart from the rootage so all it needed was a wash in dye that won't have chance really to wash out. Back am I to au naturalle and it's starting to oh so slowly feel good.
Lots of love
Hbombotx
So when my friend said all you have to remember is bones take 8 weeks and soft tissue up to 12 that's what I need to take forward. I keep getting told my job at the moment is to recover, I hadn't quite got my head round that til now as resting to me equals boredom. Doing something so focused on myself also feels selfish. I'm used to doing things for others, thinking of others and even my work revolves round others so focusing on me is an alien prospect.
The reason for having made no entries to this blog for weeks is my inability to cope with the world and people of late. Having almost passed through this time on a bit of a high surrounded by some kind of invincible cloak last week I crashed and burned. After spending 2 days crying at anything nice, people talking about the future and anything at all with any complexity, I have come out the other side feeling like me again. People often say your state in life is reflective in your hair colour. Well last year when I wonderfully colourful and ginger friend freakishly died I changed my hair colour more than anyone I've known. Going from blonde to bright red then pink to black to brown then red again back to blonde you'd have thought something was very wrong. A nosey outspoken colleague barked at me in the lift once "are you going through a crisis?", I should have dumbfounded her with the freakish truth that my amazing zest for life friend taken from this earth far too early had such a sod it attitude I was vicariously living my hair for him. I never really understood this at the time but I did take on a rather sod you kind of attitude, a little like straight after my time post accident.
Now that I've come back down to earth, have a conscience and feel more natural my hair has been returned to the closest it's been to its natural colour. My hair is rarely washed and managing very nicely apart from the rootage so all it needed was a wash in dye that won't have chance really to wash out. Back am I to au naturalle and it's starting to oh so slowly feel good.
Lots of love
Hbombotx
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