Back to moaning...

I have had a few comments recently from client's not wanting to moan about pain as they feel guilty in comparison. It's happened mostly with people with bad backs. But that's what i've always dealt with and somehow the empathic slant is one I take on easily. In fact I found out from a client's husband that she was so conscious of moaning she was reluctant to give him my number. We decided he should buy her a voucher!

Once people have seen me this seems to go away. From an external point of view I look absolutely fine and to be honest I feel it now. When I flew a few weeks ago the check in attendant greeted me with "i've put you in the emergency exit, you don't have any back or neck problems do you?". After dampening his smile by listing my previous breaks he cringingly placed me in an aisle seat (after almost high five'ing me!).

A client yesterday said "the thing is with pain is people can't see it so it's like it's not happening". Never a truer word was spoken and from the inside out is the hardest expression. There really does come a point where you and everyone around you is bored of hearing you moan about it. So what happens? Do we shut up about it, accept it or do something about it? Probably a combination of all three and on different days we take different approaches. Because every day IS different. The way we feel about ourselves, the world around us and other people. That is what makes us who we are and how we react to the challenges we're faced with. If you had told me a year ago that i'd have to spend three months in a fixed brace, not being able to bend, wash or feed myself I would have admitted that I wouldn't think i'd have coped. But I did because cope you do, because you go into survival mode and get through it.

Having been involved in the NHS I was asked to have my say by being a member of Leeds Community Healthcare Trust. By sharing my story I can appreciate others who have been through other things and how they were treated. It was a linking theme that continuity of care is paramount especially when dealing with matters concerning dignity. When you see different people from different departments, sectors, jobs etc, to repeat yourself takes the stuffing out of you. Sometimes how we feel is confusing and it's difficult to make sense of it especially when guilt, blame or shame is involved. For being able to express and share this I am grateful.   

Don't look back, look forward...

"There's no point looking back, look forward"...is what I told my dog this morning.

'When an animal senses danger, its adrenal system instructs it either to run from the danger, stand and fight, go numb, or decide all is safe and shake out those danger signals. Why can't we do that? Too many of us spend our lives treating children, spouses/partners, and sometimes even parents in ways that discourage the release of trauma and encourage the storing of it in the gut.' Noah Karrasch

But have you ever thought about a situation that just feels right? When you meet a partner for the first time, a prospective employer or even a client, sometimes it just clicks and you trust your gut instinct about that person.

Life is full of opportunity and many of us hold back seeing each opportunity as a threat, in fear of change and feeling sick to the stomach.

When you have a trauma in life things don't go back to the way they were exactly, they change and adapt. Often not just for physical reasons but something inside is searching to do something differently. Sometimes it's difficult to understand what learnings we can take from a negative situation but eventually the opportunity emerges without searching  and the letting go can continue.

Pain in the neck...

I'd like to think i've tried most therapies. Through my recovery i've tried to address what's going on in my body and my brain, whether the two link together at the same time is another matter. Much of the time the two haven't been in sync, so i've felt better when i'm not supposed to be. The logical fact that I should be better mentally when I am physically hasn't made much sense so i've ended up beating myself up for not having positive thoughts when all anyone wants is for me to be fixed.

I get that we store pain and stress in our bodies for a reason. I have witnessed this for years with my own clients and more recently observing grief. What is most difficult is when it's happening to you. I've dealt with the emotional stuff by getting it out my head through my mouth, i'm back on my bike without any fear so why is it still locked away somewhere?

Going for my monthly maintenance massage at this point in time it's all in my neck and shoulder! We talked about emotional freedom therapy and how trauma locked in the body can be released. It isn't until you start letting go of it that we can become desensitized. Not being the most patient person I must admit to wanting to just be sorted and have found the anniversary of my accident the most difficult time to deal with. Whether that's because i'd given myself a goal, other people's expectations or simply that people have said how far i've come, who knows. What I do now feel ready for is to let it out and trust that will move me on from being a pain in the neck! 

From marriage to Kung-Fu...

'Life has many ways of testing a person's will,
either by having nothing happen at all or by having everything happen all at once'
Paul Coelho

This quote is so true of recovery. Lately i've been having lots of firsts and this has instigated wanting to shout about it.

Recently I answered an ad to have a magazine article written about women who have been through trauma and come out the other side. I have been told that when people had been reading my blog they'd stop moaning about how crap their day was which has got to be a positive step right? I do think mine makes a good story but I also think it spells out hope for people.Since my last blog I have got married. It was something that was planned and gave me great focus to get better. If it ends up in 'Take a Break' that may be slightly ironic!

Since honeymoon I have really got back into yoga. Yoga makes me really happy and a lot more content with life. I haven't done anything crazy as have been going to flow classes involving moving from one position to another gently. Last week I decided to tackle an ashtanga class which is a lot more energetic and involves the impressive stuff you associate with being bendy. When we got to back bends (a crab for non yoga folk) I wanted to go for it, but not having allowed myself to go there for 10 months I felt anticipatory, a little bit emotional and somewhat scared. Seeing my friend SB looking on proudly brought tears to my throat and I must admit that in relaxation I beefed a bit.

The Olympics have certainly caused a buzz. Seeing the achievements and the highs of the athletes has caused some kind of fever. For me I have always wanted to practice a martial art. At Uni I went along to Taekwondo but what with it being a long way from where I was living it put me off (still have that lazy bone). I also remember getting beasted and for me this always leaves a bad taste in my mouth. A bit like relationships, these things seem to come at the right time and watching Judo gave me a bit of an itch.

When a Kung-Fu demonstration popped up on facebook just down the road I jumped at the chance. For me trying new things has always been something i've relished. It's also something that has been knocked out of me since the accident so to feel that again has brought some excitement back. I thoroughly enjoyed loosing myself in something so focused and hope to continue to do so.

Over and out.
Hbombx
 

You don't talk, you don't write...

For a while now i've not had much to say. I've felt flat, serious and unable to share that with the world. The fog is lifting and looking back on how the trauma has made my head feel, for me is as important as the physical stuff.

One of the hardest things to deal with are your own thoughts and it's something i've struggled with every since the accident. But whilst in the hospital and the brace it was much easier to live in the present. So I guess to the outside world I seemed to be coping and doing so relatively strongly. To then be crumbling inside when it's supposed to be over didn't make much sense. But that's why it's called post traumatic, it's not until you're supposedly back to 'normal' that these feelings appear. To some it wouldn't add up. With my life getting back on track I should feel happy, so why do I feel sense of humourless? The constant barrage of "are you back to normal?", "have you been back on your bike?" has left me questionning everything. That oversensitivity to comments and bubbling anger has been something I wanted to address. Although some would say I was like this before (see sense of humour is somewhere there!), I have done so behaviourly and have found comfort in the fact that traumatic experiences hold similar feelings for others.

The sense of responsibility has always been heavy on my shoulders. I took a course of action and even though I could have anticipated a tragedy I was unwilling to accept that I could not control the outcome. That lack of control, and letting go of the fact you can't rewrite history have been tough. The self blame and its association with weakness even tougher. But although feeling those things has been exhausting, understanding and expressing them has allowed me to accept coming to terms with the trauma which in turn allows you to heal.

For a while I was in a bubble and other people's trivia was existing around me. I would sit thinking why are they talking about this stuff after what's happened to me? Self centred I know but what I needed to know about was why they couldn't see the bubble. Was I not expressing myself well enough or does someone being so physically able reassure others to just carry on regardless? Thankfully that bubble is bursting, I am ready to deal with the healing process.

This had co-incided with at 6 months being signed off by my consultant to go forth and do what I will. I told him the head stuff has proved crucial to recovery and in his single minded physical approach he agreed. Atleast he will be recommending to others and allow them to heal when they are ready too.

Taking my time, or trying to...

As I ease myself cautiously back into work and doing things at a leisurely pace I still battle my need to do and pack a million things into a day. Alot of what surrounds us is so achievement based that resting and relaxation doesn't get a look in. For me this is part of my recovery and the only way I know I won't suffer any set backs. So when I work now I take regular breaks, my body is pretty much telling me it needs them. But why do our heads jump so far ahead and almost lead us to believe that if we're not achieving then we're not complete?
When I see people on Facebook saying they've done this that and the other, aren't I friggin wonderful for fitting all that in, all I want to do frankly is say bully for you. What about people who can't do all these things, you're just rubbing their faces in it. Working within sport i've always been surrounded by frustrated (injured) achievers so now I can appreciate why others harping on about it can be irritating.
I know this is my problem, I can't skip ahead so I don't. I can manage three massages now when I used to bat out ten. But then I'm enjoying the 3 I do and looking back batting them out was never a place I wanted to get to. If I could have slowed life down and freed things up I would have. I loved that lifestyle of being able to fit things in so I guess now i'm back in that place. Where I felt free of being tied and possibilities were endless. Like floating in a pool and giving in to being immersed in the water.
Last week I went to a networking event about making the best of you. I have always believed your gut instincts were the best choice to take. I had been struggling with a major work decision and it reminded me to use my instincts as if you don't feel right about something it may not be right right now. This whole experience has shaken me, my confidence and my beliefs. At times I didn't know who I was. I'm not saying I'm fully enlightened now but I'm on my way to letting go of what isn't right for me and doing the things that are. People often tell me I need to be doing what's good for me and within my capabilities. I have a very physical job and I know that needs to be built up but wondering what other stuff I could be doing sets my mind racing. Along with that and trying to relax I'm being kept entertained!
Hbombx

Returning to water...

Growing up in Guernsey one of my favourite things was water. I was dragged out of choir in primary school as I'd made it through the waiting list to attend Beau Sejour swimming club. My love for swimming grew and so did a talent which was nurtured through endless sessions up and down the pool. Nothing is quite like swimming training and it requires hours every week of pool time. I think this single focus flogged my love of water and at 18 years old that was it for me. Apart from holidays I didn't get in a pool except for holidays and the obligatory lady breaststroke!
It wasn't until my late twenties that I thought of attending a swim session. Swimming for me needed a structure and other people so I got back in with Leeds & Bradford triathlon club. It brought the fun back to something I was good at but no longer wished to race past people as fast as I could. This didn't fit when I started working evenings.
Preparing to rehab my back all I could imagine being able to do was be in water. Knowing how easy on me the supportive nature of water would be I found comfort in the pool again. My first session I was literally floating as moving from one plane to another is unexpectedly difficult. Seeing people speeding past I had to hold my ego back as the competitor wanted to show these people how fast I could really swim. My body however wouldn't let me. It's funny that when the mind is willing the body will tell you not so.
So now my love for the water returns in a newly formed respect. I am rehabbing 2/3 times a week finding my balance point and my trans abs again. Water had been a great confidence builder and now I am water jogging and tucking to get my spine mobile once more. My other favourite activity of spa/sauna'ing is now achievable and baths have taken on a whole new level of relaxation. I crave being near the sea and hope to get back to the rock I came from relatively soon. Water works and I'm glad to be back part of it!
HBombx