Check up chuck up...

Today was the first time that my back progress was checked since I left the hospital 4 weeks ago. Having had standing x-rays as an in-patient I wasn't daunted by the process. Obviously sitting around amongst the public is sometimes the biggest headache due to comments like "you don't sleep in that do you?" or "that can't be as uncomfortable as it looks". They are only things I'd probably say myself but it doesn't amuse me. I have started making up stories about how I had an accident, today's involved a hot air balloon. Having always had about as much patience as a small child at Christmas I answered my surgeon saying he'd told me I wasn't going to like him with I don't like many people. Don't get me wrong I like my own people, it's just people in general I don't have any patience with, along with their stupid comments.
Unfortunately as at most of the big points in this process I had a reaction to today's adventure ending up fainting and blacking out for 10 seconds. Not nice for D who had to fan me with a sick bucket along with Fraser the x-ray guy (only in the NHS!). This was all due to taking the brace off to have said x-rays which my body didn't adapt too well to. Who'd have thought looking back at 6 weeks ago when I couldn't bare more than minutes in the brace that now I can't bare minutes out of it! All I know is the body is such a funny thing and what you get used to even funnier. After a man holding my knees face had disappeared then started to come back into focus I was left with the usual delight of being wet through with sweat. My temperature regulation has taken a battering as I find hospitals (with the exception of airports), the hottest places on earth so to suddenly be cold with sweat is quite an odd sensation.
Over the next 6 weeks I am to wean myself off the brace, spending short periods out of it so as to get the muscles working independently. Who'd have thought my security blanket was the contraption that I detested at first so to slowly get used to not wearing it seems bizarre but then like this whole experience is teaching me we take comfort often in the strangest of things...
Here's to the next 6 weeks.
Much love
Hbombotx

What does an accident teach you?

It's often the case when you look back after an accident you question everything. What you felt at the time, what you should have done and what happened around you. My memory of Frank's laugh (it must have looked impressive) is as clear as day, the pain I felt is off the scale but my stubbornness was too strong to give in to it. I have always been fascinated by how the psychological impacts on the physical, never more so than with an injury or an illness. A few weeks before I'd watched a programme about getting beyond pain with a lady breaking her lower leg then walking with no pain. Strangely the ballet company I work with cropped up as an example of dancing through pain and how used to it we get.
At the time I can only say I was experiencing ridiculous amounts of pain but now the swelling has gone down being able to feel my spine freaks me out. At night when the brace is off my back sinks into the mattress with every vertebrae. I know this should be seen as progress but all it does is remind me how each break feels as I will myself to sleep. Now the body settles down and I calm down mentally it feels slightly like I've done so with a bang. My excited state in hospital has come down to a bit of a lull, one where I wonder how fun I am to be around. But as if that's what people are coming for! Ever the entertainer in me has always wanted to be exciting to be around and I guess I don't feel in that place now. What I do feel though is I'm spending quality time with quality people and that's one thing I've learnt is how quality should be over quantity.
The other things I've learnt:
To give in to not being in control - of work, of food, of your bodily functions.
To accept help and ask for it.
To adapt and not get offended.
To give up wanting to get comfy as others look as it doesn't feel the
same in a plastic velcro brace.
To appreciate those that do not focusing out those that do not.

Accept the things you cannot change.
Hbombotx

Massage and surprise visitor...

Today my amazing yoga teacher and friend Nichi is coming to do some massage. Working in massage you often forget the importance of getting treated yourself, always much needed to remind yourself of how it feels and also to maintain a healthy body. She is doing it to treat me by indulging myself and I can't wait.

The other lovely thing that happened today was a friend I haven't seen for years as we use to work together dropped in. We'd been in touch since I started blogging as she was so shocked by my accident, like many were but we'd had a couple of email exchanges since catching up with how both our lives have changed. Sometimes when someone re-appears in your life it is so familiar and you just slip back into your friendship. To see Jane this morning made my day. She had imagined me lying in bed almost in traction so her shock at seeing me up and about was so refreshing. I couldn't stop hugging her as if she wasn't real but then that's how it feels when you're genuinely shocked to see someone. We had such a laugh in that crazy office and she was the easiest person to work and socialise with, to see her happy and know about her new life living on a farm was about as big a change as i've been through setting up my own business then breaking myself.

So just having a rest until the lushiousness of my massage.

Hope you're looking forward to something good today planned or a surprise.

Hbombotx

First shower in 5 weeks!

Who'd of thought something as simple as a shower would become quite alien when you are unable to stand up? When the surgeon told me I'd only be taking the brace off to shower i couldnt quite visualise being strong enough to hold myself up. After a week of bed rest then relatively little time on my feet for the following days the weakness in my legs and back was incredible. Having always been into sport I am used to feeling strong and this empowers me. Being weak is something I associate with being pathetic so at times in my life when I've felt like this I have beaten myself up about it.
When I mentioned showering to D he was unsure but I could tell how strong my back was as when the brace is being put on I don't need it hugging me to hold me up anymore. So I went for it. The unknown is often scary but I knew my own potential, the strangest part was how my neck felt. I'm held so straight it teaches you how bad your normal posture must be. Without the neck brace I reached up to feel my neck and was presented with a giraffe type neck. Tentatively I stepped into the shower and although you'd think I'd feel thoroughly refreshed I actually felt like I better get it over with quick as my hair had been washing itself for weeks now. Forget stepping out of the salon, all it meant was I had a fringe back after having to wear Alice bands or clips so as not to offend with my big hair. I've always had alot of hair and no more so than in hot countries where my fellow travellers call it 'holiday hair', not to be experienced by anyone other than loved ones or strangers.
So have survived the shower I am now clean and relatively well presented on this my 5th week anniversary of the accident. Having climbed a few milestones in the past few days - going outdoors, short walks with the dog and now a shower I need to start believing in my progress as lately I've forgotten how it feels to be brave. When you're just cracking on with it nothing seems like a big accomplishment but sometimes you need to take stock of how far we've come and today is one of those days...
Hbombot

My first public outing

Other than going back to hospital twice I hadn't ventured out anywhere for a stroll or a wander. I guess in a hospital even the public there are used to and expecting to see ill folk. In the outside world being stared at is just par for the course but nevertheless irritating. I probably wouldn't so any different but whether it's people passing or looking from cars it's obvious they're wondering what happened or having a nosey.
I never really got the urge to go out and when others asked if I had yet I wasn't really bothered. But today in the cold sunshine was refreshing and just what I needed to brush off the cobwebs. Before the accident I would take my dog out for atleast an hour an day so it seems bizarre to firstly not go far but also not really want to. I guess that's what changes, how your head adapts to not doing alot as you've been given the boundaries to do so (or not so so!). It's amazing how your mind adapts once you've been told it's ok to do nothing or ok to limit what you are doing.
Now I think I will go start going out alone after a few more wanders with friends. I may even go with someone else walking my dog and watch him run, something that is certain to cheer me up as he bounds around the park. It's such simple things but those are the things you miss. Like my future mother-in-law who has broken her arm said the other day, it's the brushing your teeth and putting on a bra that for a while atleast will feel novel. Then we'll go back to normality and take them for granted. But I'll never forget this time because even if others don't see it, it's changed me forever as even that slight brush with 'it could have been fatal' has been enough to make me feel different.
Enjoy being different and accept the things you cannot change...
Hbombotx

Following on from my wanting to slouch I found myself today feeling utterly fed up. I seemed to forget that I would have my usual monthly moodiness, belatedness and painfulness. I guess when you are either so ill or in so much pain this just takes over and you expect nothing else to get in your way. This is not usually a topic readily written about and the guys reading may be squirming their way through this but it happens and as much as us women may grumble about it it's still happening. I have always thought it gets in the way. When you're doing a six hour bike ride the last thing you want to worry about is how many friggin tampax you can carry in your leggings zip pocket!
Believe me those adverts with girls singing and jumping around don't quite cut it when you're muddy and wet through huffing and puffing in the Dales. It's certainly not how I felt on the day of the accident on the first day of menstrual cycle. What I did think though was there was no way I was letting anyone change it (to then go on to having a catheter put in then removed plus having suppositories put where the sun don't shine this would have been nothing!) along with knowing I had to change it on the point of impact (not great timing). But these things are either meant to test us or just part of a natural process us ladies have to go through. I know every month I get ratty, irritable, want to clean (I know!), clumsy and want to smack someone. Apparently this doesn't change when you are sitting stiff in a brace or lay flat in bed not able to get up even if emergency calls. People have told me I need to give in to this, I need to switch off from work as I'm unable to do it and relax a bit. What I never appreciated was not being in control, this is something
I most often am and although I wouldn't say I was freakishly so I like to know what's what,
where I'm at so to speak.
So I'm sorry if today I'm not full of positive happy feelings. Today I am flat like I get every month. Just coz I can't curl up and hide from the world makes me more vulnerable this time round doesn't make it not happen just as it was going to do anyway. So even though I am being sucked in so can't feel the bloating and appear ratty due to my predicament I hope it still means it's ok to smack someone, atleast give a girl that much:
Don't blame it on the sunshine
Don't blame it on the moonlight
Don't blame it on the good times
Don't blame it on the drugs!
Hbombotx

I just want to slouch!

By the end of the day I just want to slouch in this comfy chair or lie on the sofa with D or my dog or both. A few nights ago this couldn't be more apparent as I sloped off to bed early to get away from the brewing whinge. When i feel tired or sore I lay on my bed, I just did this headbutting the wall. Imagine always sitting up as straight as you can or lying in one position without moving on to your side. That pretty much encapsulates my position these days. Yeh I know it's not forever and I know I will get better but sometimes it's frustrating. Sometimes it's as irritating as an itch. Sometimes I have an itch I can't scratch. Sometimes I bang my head. Sometimes I want to stamp my feet and shout out how unfair this feels. But I seek solace in the fact this is only sometimes, I don't always feel this way and for that I gain alot of hope. I have always carried hope around like a cape and that cape you can keep on or you can take off. Most the time I keep it on but sometimes I choose to take it off and that's ok as it's going to be ok.
Hbombot