Back to moaning...

I have had a few comments recently from client's not wanting to moan about pain as they feel guilty in comparison. It's happened mostly with people with bad backs. But that's what i've always dealt with and somehow the empathic slant is one I take on easily. In fact I found out from a client's husband that she was so conscious of moaning she was reluctant to give him my number. We decided he should buy her a voucher!

Once people have seen me this seems to go away. From an external point of view I look absolutely fine and to be honest I feel it now. When I flew a few weeks ago the check in attendant greeted me with "i've put you in the emergency exit, you don't have any back or neck problems do you?". After dampening his smile by listing my previous breaks he cringingly placed me in an aisle seat (after almost high five'ing me!).

A client yesterday said "the thing is with pain is people can't see it so it's like it's not happening". Never a truer word was spoken and from the inside out is the hardest expression. There really does come a point where you and everyone around you is bored of hearing you moan about it. So what happens? Do we shut up about it, accept it or do something about it? Probably a combination of all three and on different days we take different approaches. Because every day IS different. The way we feel about ourselves, the world around us and other people. That is what makes us who we are and how we react to the challenges we're faced with. If you had told me a year ago that i'd have to spend three months in a fixed brace, not being able to bend, wash or feed myself I would have admitted that I wouldn't think i'd have coped. But I did because cope you do, because you go into survival mode and get through it.

Having been involved in the NHS I was asked to have my say by being a member of Leeds Community Healthcare Trust. By sharing my story I can appreciate others who have been through other things and how they were treated. It was a linking theme that continuity of care is paramount especially when dealing with matters concerning dignity. When you see different people from different departments, sectors, jobs etc, to repeat yourself takes the stuffing out of you. Sometimes how we feel is confusing and it's difficult to make sense of it especially when guilt, blame or shame is involved. For being able to express and share this I am grateful.   

Don't look back, look forward...

"There's no point looking back, look forward"...is what I told my dog this morning.

'When an animal senses danger, its adrenal system instructs it either to run from the danger, stand and fight, go numb, or decide all is safe and shake out those danger signals. Why can't we do that? Too many of us spend our lives treating children, spouses/partners, and sometimes even parents in ways that discourage the release of trauma and encourage the storing of it in the gut.' Noah Karrasch

But have you ever thought about a situation that just feels right? When you meet a partner for the first time, a prospective employer or even a client, sometimes it just clicks and you trust your gut instinct about that person.

Life is full of opportunity and many of us hold back seeing each opportunity as a threat, in fear of change and feeling sick to the stomach.

When you have a trauma in life things don't go back to the way they were exactly, they change and adapt. Often not just for physical reasons but something inside is searching to do something differently. Sometimes it's difficult to understand what learnings we can take from a negative situation but eventually the opportunity emerges without searching  and the letting go can continue.

Pain in the neck...

I'd like to think i've tried most therapies. Through my recovery i've tried to address what's going on in my body and my brain, whether the two link together at the same time is another matter. Much of the time the two haven't been in sync, so i've felt better when i'm not supposed to be. The logical fact that I should be better mentally when I am physically hasn't made much sense so i've ended up beating myself up for not having positive thoughts when all anyone wants is for me to be fixed.

I get that we store pain and stress in our bodies for a reason. I have witnessed this for years with my own clients and more recently observing grief. What is most difficult is when it's happening to you. I've dealt with the emotional stuff by getting it out my head through my mouth, i'm back on my bike without any fear so why is it still locked away somewhere?

Going for my monthly maintenance massage at this point in time it's all in my neck and shoulder! We talked about emotional freedom therapy and how trauma locked in the body can be released. It isn't until you start letting go of it that we can become desensitized. Not being the most patient person I must admit to wanting to just be sorted and have found the anniversary of my accident the most difficult time to deal with. Whether that's because i'd given myself a goal, other people's expectations or simply that people have said how far i've come, who knows. What I do now feel ready for is to let it out and trust that will move me on from being a pain in the neck! 

From marriage to Kung-Fu...

'Life has many ways of testing a person's will,
either by having nothing happen at all or by having everything happen all at once'
Paul Coelho

This quote is so true of recovery. Lately i've been having lots of firsts and this has instigated wanting to shout about it.

Recently I answered an ad to have a magazine article written about women who have been through trauma and come out the other side. I have been told that when people had been reading my blog they'd stop moaning about how crap their day was which has got to be a positive step right? I do think mine makes a good story but I also think it spells out hope for people.Since my last blog I have got married. It was something that was planned and gave me great focus to get better. If it ends up in 'Take a Break' that may be slightly ironic!

Since honeymoon I have really got back into yoga. Yoga makes me really happy and a lot more content with life. I haven't done anything crazy as have been going to flow classes involving moving from one position to another gently. Last week I decided to tackle an ashtanga class which is a lot more energetic and involves the impressive stuff you associate with being bendy. When we got to back bends (a crab for non yoga folk) I wanted to go for it, but not having allowed myself to go there for 10 months I felt anticipatory, a little bit emotional and somewhat scared. Seeing my friend SB looking on proudly brought tears to my throat and I must admit that in relaxation I beefed a bit.

The Olympics have certainly caused a buzz. Seeing the achievements and the highs of the athletes has caused some kind of fever. For me I have always wanted to practice a martial art. At Uni I went along to Taekwondo but what with it being a long way from where I was living it put me off (still have that lazy bone). I also remember getting beasted and for me this always leaves a bad taste in my mouth. A bit like relationships, these things seem to come at the right time and watching Judo gave me a bit of an itch.

When a Kung-Fu demonstration popped up on facebook just down the road I jumped at the chance. For me trying new things has always been something i've relished. It's also something that has been knocked out of me since the accident so to feel that again has brought some excitement back. I thoroughly enjoyed loosing myself in something so focused and hope to continue to do so.

Over and out.
Hbombx
 

You don't talk, you don't write...

For a while now i've not had much to say. I've felt flat, serious and unable to share that with the world. The fog is lifting and looking back on how the trauma has made my head feel, for me is as important as the physical stuff.

One of the hardest things to deal with are your own thoughts and it's something i've struggled with every since the accident. But whilst in the hospital and the brace it was much easier to live in the present. So I guess to the outside world I seemed to be coping and doing so relatively strongly. To then be crumbling inside when it's supposed to be over didn't make much sense. But that's why it's called post traumatic, it's not until you're supposedly back to 'normal' that these feelings appear. To some it wouldn't add up. With my life getting back on track I should feel happy, so why do I feel sense of humourless? The constant barrage of "are you back to normal?", "have you been back on your bike?" has left me questionning everything. That oversensitivity to comments and bubbling anger has been something I wanted to address. Although some would say I was like this before (see sense of humour is somewhere there!), I have done so behaviourly and have found comfort in the fact that traumatic experiences hold similar feelings for others.

The sense of responsibility has always been heavy on my shoulders. I took a course of action and even though I could have anticipated a tragedy I was unwilling to accept that I could not control the outcome. That lack of control, and letting go of the fact you can't rewrite history have been tough. The self blame and its association with weakness even tougher. But although feeling those things has been exhausting, understanding and expressing them has allowed me to accept coming to terms with the trauma which in turn allows you to heal.

For a while I was in a bubble and other people's trivia was existing around me. I would sit thinking why are they talking about this stuff after what's happened to me? Self centred I know but what I needed to know about was why they couldn't see the bubble. Was I not expressing myself well enough or does someone being so physically able reassure others to just carry on regardless? Thankfully that bubble is bursting, I am ready to deal with the healing process.

This had co-incided with at 6 months being signed off by my consultant to go forth and do what I will. I told him the head stuff has proved crucial to recovery and in his single minded physical approach he agreed. Atleast he will be recommending to others and allow them to heal when they are ready too.

Taking my time, or trying to...

As I ease myself cautiously back into work and doing things at a leisurely pace I still battle my need to do and pack a million things into a day. Alot of what surrounds us is so achievement based that resting and relaxation doesn't get a look in. For me this is part of my recovery and the only way I know I won't suffer any set backs. So when I work now I take regular breaks, my body is pretty much telling me it needs them. But why do our heads jump so far ahead and almost lead us to believe that if we're not achieving then we're not complete?
When I see people on Facebook saying they've done this that and the other, aren't I friggin wonderful for fitting all that in, all I want to do frankly is say bully for you. What about people who can't do all these things, you're just rubbing their faces in it. Working within sport i've always been surrounded by frustrated (injured) achievers so now I can appreciate why others harping on about it can be irritating.
I know this is my problem, I can't skip ahead so I don't. I can manage three massages now when I used to bat out ten. But then I'm enjoying the 3 I do and looking back batting them out was never a place I wanted to get to. If I could have slowed life down and freed things up I would have. I loved that lifestyle of being able to fit things in so I guess now i'm back in that place. Where I felt free of being tied and possibilities were endless. Like floating in a pool and giving in to being immersed in the water.
Last week I went to a networking event about making the best of you. I have always believed your gut instincts were the best choice to take. I had been struggling with a major work decision and it reminded me to use my instincts as if you don't feel right about something it may not be right right now. This whole experience has shaken me, my confidence and my beliefs. At times I didn't know who I was. I'm not saying I'm fully enlightened now but I'm on my way to letting go of what isn't right for me and doing the things that are. People often tell me I need to be doing what's good for me and within my capabilities. I have a very physical job and I know that needs to be built up but wondering what other stuff I could be doing sets my mind racing. Along with that and trying to relax I'm being kept entertained!
Hbombx

Returning to water...

Growing up in Guernsey one of my favourite things was water. I was dragged out of choir in primary school as I'd made it through the waiting list to attend Beau Sejour swimming club. My love for swimming grew and so did a talent which was nurtured through endless sessions up and down the pool. Nothing is quite like swimming training and it requires hours every week of pool time. I think this single focus flogged my love of water and at 18 years old that was it for me. Apart from holidays I didn't get in a pool except for holidays and the obligatory lady breaststroke!
It wasn't until my late twenties that I thought of attending a swim session. Swimming for me needed a structure and other people so I got back in with Leeds & Bradford triathlon club. It brought the fun back to something I was good at but no longer wished to race past people as fast as I could. This didn't fit when I started working evenings.
Preparing to rehab my back all I could imagine being able to do was be in water. Knowing how easy on me the supportive nature of water would be I found comfort in the pool again. My first session I was literally floating as moving from one plane to another is unexpectedly difficult. Seeing people speeding past I had to hold my ego back as the competitor wanted to show these people how fast I could really swim. My body however wouldn't let me. It's funny that when the mind is willing the body will tell you not so.
So now my love for the water returns in a newly formed respect. I am rehabbing 2/3 times a week finding my balance point and my trans abs again. Water had been a great confidence builder and now I am water jogging and tucking to get my spine mobile once more. My other favourite activity of spa/sauna'ing is now achievable and baths have taken on a whole new level of relaxation. I crave being near the sea and hope to get back to the rock I came from relatively soon. Water works and I'm glad to be back part of it!
HBombx

Goodbye Hbombot...seeing my friends tie the knot

Having not worn the brace for 2 weeks I have lost my Hbombot title. For a few weeks i'd been gearing up to something, picturing myself at the wedding of our great friends Sam and Tina. It's been a massive goal as it meant travelling to Derbyshire, atleast an hour and a half in the car. As weddings are notoriously long days I wanted to be able to physically withstand the amount of sitting and standing (let alone the dancing) that would be involved.
Last weekend my dear friend Tarry (so called as I have a few Sarah's) took me further afield to see how I would cope with a longer journey. I felt fine and even tried on some wedding rings which is another story entirely! The following day we had another little jaunt incorporating two of my favourite things - Harrogate baths and Bettys for tea & fat rascals. The heat on my back was something I've craved since being in hospital so I was delighted to cope with and thoroughly enjoy the whole experience.
D had already had to miss the stag do in order to look after me so I was slightly dogearedly determined to be part of the celebrations. My slight nervousness of social situations has only arisen from not being part of things for so many months. I knew when out the corner of my eye I could see D looking proudly at me that I was back part of it again.
I was delighted to see how happy Sam and Tina were and to share in that. To be with friends letting go for the first time in forever. Most of all I was proud to have met a goal, one where I can look back and know the preparation was key. The visualisation involved in being in a place and the physical stretching needed to get mobile enough.
Now for another fat rascal, after all it's only of my favourite things!
Hbombx

Life without Maddie...

These moments are big and although when you're not seeing much progress I guess it's the things you most look forward to that seem significant. Having had the all clear from the OC as far as my bones go I now am to wean myself out of Maddie the brace. I have spent alot of time already without it on for comfort purposes and yes I have felt strong so why not. That mental crutch of bones mending at 10 weeks allowed a big change in the last 2 weeks. I have felt able to use my back muscles and feel a different soreness, one of overworking rather than due to being damaged.
So the big moment came to go outside on my own. I say on my own what I mean is without the brace although I didn't exactly have an entourage, mum came with! I can't begin to explain how going out in public can be with a brace on. Some days I was able to zone out and not give two ffs to people staring or acknowledging my situation. I have always been like this - a double edged sword, a shy show off, a paranoid extrovert. You never quite know what you're gonna get but I believe the excitement is in finding out. Anyhow, other days all you can feel is eyes on you, your breathing shortens and claustrophobia sets in. You can't get comfortable in a chair and you don't feel strong enough to stand. Those days are staying in days. I'm so used to people staring that when they don't I wonder why, so that's what I had to get my head around when I was without it! Why aren't people staring?
For those that know me people often stare due to my hair colour. The pink had the most impact and the same went then that some days I cared and some I didn't. When I was blonde more men looked at me. But yesterday if someone looked at me it was me they were looking at, not because of my hair, because they were just looking at me.
I felt good out there. Good to get a full breath at last, to fill my lungs and stand tall on my own. Dare I say it I was proud of me, for dealing with the social stigma of having a disability/whatever you want to call it and coming out the other side. I have always been aware of others ineptitude of the blind lesbian but now I have felt it. People keep saying they can't begin to imagine what it has been like, they're right, however there are some very brave people in my life who have tried. Seeing me in hospital and being suspended in the brace has been difficult and it's those stares I will never forget...the proud ones.
Free of Hbombot
Hbombx

Hakuna matata

With the emergence of a new year that most people would write off as rubbish I can't help but remember how well my life was going before the accident. That's not to say I'm feeling victimus by any means it's just I did do and have some marvellous things happen in 2011. Having started this blog for one in order to document what happened when and how psychologically such an impact has.
At the start of last year D and I had moved into a fantastic 3 layered house which allowed us to get a dog, something both of us had been talking about since the moment we met. For me having a dog of my own was a childhood dream. My dad had up to 4 dogs at a time and my fondest memory is when two had litters at the same time. I will never forget the scurry of puppies towards an open door at my feet. There must have been 20 of them (well it felt like that anyway!). We wanted to rescue a dog and give it a better life than the path it was going down so after a few hearts set on different dogs (damn those cute Internet pictures!) we stumbled across our Arthur. Don't get me wrong he's a whole lotta dog at 30kg but everyone comments at how lovely his nature is although he is dog and food obsessed. He has been a delight to have around and made getting up much more purposeful. After the accident my heart hurt missing him and when I got home it hurt even more not being able to be around him/walk him/bend down to him. But actually during my recovery he has been the best company. For anyone who has had or has a dog you'll know just how much dogs can cheer your day. One thing I love is to go and watch him run, he is a pure athlete and runs almost as fast as a greyhound. Often I go in the back of the car and wander slowly behind my excitable chap. Just bliss.
The other massive difference of last year was my change in exercise habits. I have always exercised as a habitual thing from childhood and used yoga as a relaxation technique. In January last year I found a new love for ashtanga and through it a new world opened up. Before dog I would spend all my spare time fitting in running, cycling, spinning, body pump or legs bums & tums. What I found when getting a dog was how little time and focus I had for other exercise. Suddenly I was revolved round walking him so when we (me and my new pal Sar) started the series it became my only other form of exercise other than cycling there and back. Along with the practice I embarked on a friendship with someone who I have come to realise is very like me. I haven't exercised with someone since Helen Watts used to swim on my toes all through my teenage years. For me exercise gives a sense of freedom when done alone but started something new is a massive bond in experience so when me and Sar struggled remembering what comes next we could prompt each other (although sometimes I wonder what sheet she'd been looking at! Ha). By the summer I had memorised the routine and could do most of the difficult postures so to not be bending and stretching is alien to me. Even being immobile in my back means I am constantly stretching my legs as their connectivity to the back is highlighted more and more in this situation.
One thing we didn't expect from last year is don't enjoying one form of yoga that was Bikram. My sister Em often says I find hideous new experiences for her when she visits and this topped it all. Bikram is done in blaring heat and to even stay in the room for 90 minutes is test enough. I can only describe the heat as that moment you step off the plane in a blisteringly hot country. Then imagine standing in it and not moving to the air conditioned bus. The teaching is strict (a microphone always gives that extra ego) and no wiping sweat, twitching or itching makes me want to punch someone just thinking about it.
Having left my competitive days behind me I embarked on a group bike ride from Wetherby to Filey (74 miles). To be honest I had thought I'd be riding with friends but the competitor in most of them lead to a split in the pack and me lagging behind slagging off competitive sport to myself. These days a ride out is a social way of seeing the world (especially the gorgeous Yorkshire Dales) and I have enjoyed doing rides with Ilkley cycling club as many people are there just for that. I'm all for group riding and helping each out having read many cycling autobiographies, Lance Armstrong being the most passionate about peloton riding.
As soon as I had the accident I wanted to sell my bike as I bought it for it's cuteness rather than size fit. At 5ft 11" spending 5hrs on a too small bike makes for a numb back and with my cutthroat attitude now it's gotta go. It really is the most attractive bike and men literally salivate when passing (believe me it's not over my lycra!).
The most exciting thing about last year (well apart from losing 2 stone) was D asking me to marry him. Apparently I asked for a ring for 'that' finger but I guess at this age you don't beat around the bush. To be his wife is something I will cherish and through my recovery has been an exciting focus. When I walk down that aisle, i've said it before, will be a miracle in itself and I am looking forward to this year not only making a full recovery but to being married.
I know I will never be the same person. I've never been patient but now I have been one I see that manic nature so differently. It just doesn't matter all this running round like a mad woman fitting everything in just for the sake of not being disappointed with yourself.
Hakuna matata - no worries
Hbombotx

Reflection...

I've spent alot of time reflecting this month, it's something I've always done at the end of a year but this one seems rather surreal. Usually I am run into the ground having completed a season with Northern Ballet. Their run up to Christmas is manic and the atmosphere of needing a break spreads the company like wild fire. I have been missing them, being in a theatre embellishes my theatrical side without the nervousness of being on stage. Although many theatres are absolute dives they have a sense of excitement as the dancers prepare to go on stage. Working in this environment is grotty and tough with very little natural light but it had a sense of being part of something special. I miss my dancers, their innocent faces and entertaining chat. Many have visited and made me feel missed, Christmas is a funny time and even though i am rarely amongst the madness of it all I am hearing about it, these days social networking doesn't allow you to miss a trick!
About 4 years ago I made the decision to not go back 'home' to my folks for Christmas. It made me feel like I was left on the shelf and sink into a self pitying food gorging slump with the rest of them. The first year I chose to spend it with some wonderful friends who have always made me feel like part of theirs, coincidentally I met D just before it so also had the luxury of seeing him later in the day. Now D and I have the day we always hankered after. We do what we want, drink what we fancy and go to the pub if we want to. We don't follow any tradition, we just do what we want when we want to. This is kind of enabled by the fact neither of us live anywhere near our families. Yesterday I started reflecting though thatca year ago we were rolling out the Christmas Market full of beer and mulled wine, I remember this well as my first nephew was born during a booze fuelled sleep after which I woke in the middle of the night to messages of impatience to announce his arrival. I woke D to announce he was an Uncle and he was to share a bottle of port to celebrate, during which I booked the red eye to fit in meeting him before Christmas was upon us. Half cut and full of excitement after 2 hours sleep I travelled to Manchester airport 50 miles away to be told the Guernsey flight was cancelled due to a light smattering of snow.
Strangely being in this position this year leads to more and more comparisons to what I was like before. This year I have missed most the Christmas madness (jel?) mainly due to claustrophobia in shops and the brace making me incapable of facing the hoards of shoppers. But it also means no eating out, no Christmas parties or drinks out. I will face my Christmas dinner either out my brace sat up for my allocated 40 mins or spoon fed by my patient hubby to be. That all sounds so victimus but that's how it feels some of the time. What I will have to remember is one of the things that has got me through this whole period, is that I was asked to be someone's bride this year and next I will be one. My amazing Aunt reminds me of my impending wedding to keep me focused and it is one hell of a goal as the dress is ordered and the dreaded list done in 10 minutes. It will be a miracle that I am fit to bursting about. So when everyone is making the olde resolution list I will have more of a miracle list - to walk down the aisle unaided! Put that in your stocking!
Bah humbug
Hbombotx

Bite sized chunks...

Speaking to a Physio friend of mine today made me appreciate how difficult it is to take an objective view of yourself. As a soft tissue therapist I should surely be able to assess myself but it really does get taken over by emotion, pain and fear. All of these things cloud our judgement leading us to an obscured view of ourselves.

So when my friend said all you have to remember is bones take 8 weeks and soft tissue up to 12 that's what I need to take forward. I keep getting told my job at the moment is to recover, I hadn't quite got my head round that til now as resting to me equals boredom. Doing something so focused on myself also feels selfish. I'm used to doing things for others, thinking of others and even my work revolves round others so focusing on me is an alien prospect.

The reason for having made no entries to this blog for weeks is my inability to cope with the world and people of late. Having almost passed through this time on a bit of a high surrounded by some kind of invincible cloak last week I crashed and burned. After spending 2 days crying at anything nice, people talking about the future and anything at all with any complexity, I have come out the other side feeling like me again. People often say your state in life is reflective in your hair colour. Well last year when I wonderfully colourful and ginger friend freakishly died I changed my hair colour more than anyone I've known. Going from blonde to bright red then pink to black to brown then red again back to blonde you'd have thought something was very wrong. A nosey outspoken colleague barked at me in the lift once "are you going through a crisis?", I should have dumbfounded her with the freakish truth that my amazing zest for life friend taken from this earth far too early had such a sod it attitude I was vicariously living my hair for him. I never really understood this at the time but I did take on a rather sod you kind of attitude, a little like straight after my time post accident.
Now that I've come back down to earth, have a conscience and feel more natural my hair has been returned to the closest it's been to its natural colour. My hair is rarely washed and managing very nicely apart from the rootage so all it needed was a wash in dye that won't have chance really to wash out. Back am I to au naturalle and it's starting to oh so slowly feel good.
Lots of love
Hbombotx

Check up chuck up...

Today was the first time that my back progress was checked since I left the hospital 4 weeks ago. Having had standing x-rays as an in-patient I wasn't daunted by the process. Obviously sitting around amongst the public is sometimes the biggest headache due to comments like "you don't sleep in that do you?" or "that can't be as uncomfortable as it looks". They are only things I'd probably say myself but it doesn't amuse me. I have started making up stories about how I had an accident, today's involved a hot air balloon. Having always had about as much patience as a small child at Christmas I answered my surgeon saying he'd told me I wasn't going to like him with I don't like many people. Don't get me wrong I like my own people, it's just people in general I don't have any patience with, along with their stupid comments.
Unfortunately as at most of the big points in this process I had a reaction to today's adventure ending up fainting and blacking out for 10 seconds. Not nice for D who had to fan me with a sick bucket along with Fraser the x-ray guy (only in the NHS!). This was all due to taking the brace off to have said x-rays which my body didn't adapt too well to. Who'd have thought looking back at 6 weeks ago when I couldn't bare more than minutes in the brace that now I can't bare minutes out of it! All I know is the body is such a funny thing and what you get used to even funnier. After a man holding my knees face had disappeared then started to come back into focus I was left with the usual delight of being wet through with sweat. My temperature regulation has taken a battering as I find hospitals (with the exception of airports), the hottest places on earth so to suddenly be cold with sweat is quite an odd sensation.
Over the next 6 weeks I am to wean myself off the brace, spending short periods out of it so as to get the muscles working independently. Who'd have thought my security blanket was the contraption that I detested at first so to slowly get used to not wearing it seems bizarre but then like this whole experience is teaching me we take comfort often in the strangest of things...
Here's to the next 6 weeks.
Much love
Hbombotx

What does an accident teach you?

It's often the case when you look back after an accident you question everything. What you felt at the time, what you should have done and what happened around you. My memory of Frank's laugh (it must have looked impressive) is as clear as day, the pain I felt is off the scale but my stubbornness was too strong to give in to it. I have always been fascinated by how the psychological impacts on the physical, never more so than with an injury or an illness. A few weeks before I'd watched a programme about getting beyond pain with a lady breaking her lower leg then walking with no pain. Strangely the ballet company I work with cropped up as an example of dancing through pain and how used to it we get.
At the time I can only say I was experiencing ridiculous amounts of pain but now the swelling has gone down being able to feel my spine freaks me out. At night when the brace is off my back sinks into the mattress with every vertebrae. I know this should be seen as progress but all it does is remind me how each break feels as I will myself to sleep. Now the body settles down and I calm down mentally it feels slightly like I've done so with a bang. My excited state in hospital has come down to a bit of a lull, one where I wonder how fun I am to be around. But as if that's what people are coming for! Ever the entertainer in me has always wanted to be exciting to be around and I guess I don't feel in that place now. What I do feel though is I'm spending quality time with quality people and that's one thing I've learnt is how quality should be over quantity.
The other things I've learnt:
To give in to not being in control - of work, of food, of your bodily functions.
To accept help and ask for it.
To adapt and not get offended.
To give up wanting to get comfy as others look as it doesn't feel the
same in a plastic velcro brace.
To appreciate those that do not focusing out those that do not.

Accept the things you cannot change.
Hbombotx

Massage and surprise visitor...

Today my amazing yoga teacher and friend Nichi is coming to do some massage. Working in massage you often forget the importance of getting treated yourself, always much needed to remind yourself of how it feels and also to maintain a healthy body. She is doing it to treat me by indulging myself and I can't wait.

The other lovely thing that happened today was a friend I haven't seen for years as we use to work together dropped in. We'd been in touch since I started blogging as she was so shocked by my accident, like many were but we'd had a couple of email exchanges since catching up with how both our lives have changed. Sometimes when someone re-appears in your life it is so familiar and you just slip back into your friendship. To see Jane this morning made my day. She had imagined me lying in bed almost in traction so her shock at seeing me up and about was so refreshing. I couldn't stop hugging her as if she wasn't real but then that's how it feels when you're genuinely shocked to see someone. We had such a laugh in that crazy office and she was the easiest person to work and socialise with, to see her happy and know about her new life living on a farm was about as big a change as i've been through setting up my own business then breaking myself.

So just having a rest until the lushiousness of my massage.

Hope you're looking forward to something good today planned or a surprise.

Hbombotx

First shower in 5 weeks!

Who'd of thought something as simple as a shower would become quite alien when you are unable to stand up? When the surgeon told me I'd only be taking the brace off to shower i couldnt quite visualise being strong enough to hold myself up. After a week of bed rest then relatively little time on my feet for the following days the weakness in my legs and back was incredible. Having always been into sport I am used to feeling strong and this empowers me. Being weak is something I associate with being pathetic so at times in my life when I've felt like this I have beaten myself up about it.
When I mentioned showering to D he was unsure but I could tell how strong my back was as when the brace is being put on I don't need it hugging me to hold me up anymore. So I went for it. The unknown is often scary but I knew my own potential, the strangest part was how my neck felt. I'm held so straight it teaches you how bad your normal posture must be. Without the neck brace I reached up to feel my neck and was presented with a giraffe type neck. Tentatively I stepped into the shower and although you'd think I'd feel thoroughly refreshed I actually felt like I better get it over with quick as my hair had been washing itself for weeks now. Forget stepping out of the salon, all it meant was I had a fringe back after having to wear Alice bands or clips so as not to offend with my big hair. I've always had alot of hair and no more so than in hot countries where my fellow travellers call it 'holiday hair', not to be experienced by anyone other than loved ones or strangers.
So have survived the shower I am now clean and relatively well presented on this my 5th week anniversary of the accident. Having climbed a few milestones in the past few days - going outdoors, short walks with the dog and now a shower I need to start believing in my progress as lately I've forgotten how it feels to be brave. When you're just cracking on with it nothing seems like a big accomplishment but sometimes you need to take stock of how far we've come and today is one of those days...
Hbombot

My first public outing

Other than going back to hospital twice I hadn't ventured out anywhere for a stroll or a wander. I guess in a hospital even the public there are used to and expecting to see ill folk. In the outside world being stared at is just par for the course but nevertheless irritating. I probably wouldn't so any different but whether it's people passing or looking from cars it's obvious they're wondering what happened or having a nosey.
I never really got the urge to go out and when others asked if I had yet I wasn't really bothered. But today in the cold sunshine was refreshing and just what I needed to brush off the cobwebs. Before the accident I would take my dog out for atleast an hour an day so it seems bizarre to firstly not go far but also not really want to. I guess that's what changes, how your head adapts to not doing alot as you've been given the boundaries to do so (or not so so!). It's amazing how your mind adapts once you've been told it's ok to do nothing or ok to limit what you are doing.
Now I think I will go start going out alone after a few more wanders with friends. I may even go with someone else walking my dog and watch him run, something that is certain to cheer me up as he bounds around the park. It's such simple things but those are the things you miss. Like my future mother-in-law who has broken her arm said the other day, it's the brushing your teeth and putting on a bra that for a while atleast will feel novel. Then we'll go back to normality and take them for granted. But I'll never forget this time because even if others don't see it, it's changed me forever as even that slight brush with 'it could have been fatal' has been enough to make me feel different.
Enjoy being different and accept the things you cannot change...
Hbombotx

Following on from my wanting to slouch I found myself today feeling utterly fed up. I seemed to forget that I would have my usual monthly moodiness, belatedness and painfulness. I guess when you are either so ill or in so much pain this just takes over and you expect nothing else to get in your way. This is not usually a topic readily written about and the guys reading may be squirming their way through this but it happens and as much as us women may grumble about it it's still happening. I have always thought it gets in the way. When you're doing a six hour bike ride the last thing you want to worry about is how many friggin tampax you can carry in your leggings zip pocket!
Believe me those adverts with girls singing and jumping around don't quite cut it when you're muddy and wet through huffing and puffing in the Dales. It's certainly not how I felt on the day of the accident on the first day of menstrual cycle. What I did think though was there was no way I was letting anyone change it (to then go on to having a catheter put in then removed plus having suppositories put where the sun don't shine this would have been nothing!) along with knowing I had to change it on the point of impact (not great timing). But these things are either meant to test us or just part of a natural process us ladies have to go through. I know every month I get ratty, irritable, want to clean (I know!), clumsy and want to smack someone. Apparently this doesn't change when you are sitting stiff in a brace or lay flat in bed not able to get up even if emergency calls. People have told me I need to give in to this, I need to switch off from work as I'm unable to do it and relax a bit. What I never appreciated was not being in control, this is something
I most often am and although I wouldn't say I was freakishly so I like to know what's what,
where I'm at so to speak.
So I'm sorry if today I'm not full of positive happy feelings. Today I am flat like I get every month. Just coz I can't curl up and hide from the world makes me more vulnerable this time round doesn't make it not happen just as it was going to do anyway. So even though I am being sucked in so can't feel the bloating and appear ratty due to my predicament I hope it still means it's ok to smack someone, atleast give a girl that much:
Don't blame it on the sunshine
Don't blame it on the moonlight
Don't blame it on the good times
Don't blame it on the drugs!
Hbombotx

I just want to slouch!

By the end of the day I just want to slouch in this comfy chair or lie on the sofa with D or my dog or both. A few nights ago this couldn't be more apparent as I sloped off to bed early to get away from the brewing whinge. When i feel tired or sore I lay on my bed, I just did this headbutting the wall. Imagine always sitting up as straight as you can or lying in one position without moving on to your side. That pretty much encapsulates my position these days. Yeh I know it's not forever and I know I will get better but sometimes it's frustrating. Sometimes it's as irritating as an itch. Sometimes I have an itch I can't scratch. Sometimes I bang my head. Sometimes I want to stamp my feet and shout out how unfair this feels. But I seek solace in the fact this is only sometimes, I don't always feel this way and for that I gain alot of hope. I have always carried hope around like a cape and that cape you can keep on or you can take off. Most the time I keep it on but sometimes I choose to take it off and that's ok as it's going to be ok.
Hbombot

Observing another hospital journey...

Whilst lying there wondering if i was ready to go home I realised that others were reflecting my journey. This came to me firstly as they were annoyingly chattering about sh*t. Those who watched my first few days will tell you how I rabbited on about absolutely nothing. My family have a history of this in hospital or in fact stressful times (don't not what sister Tannwen's excuse is, ha!). It wasn't til the diary was taken away that this died down and D said you're back to you again. I can't begin to imagine how irritating and worrying this was for those visiting. To me I was just excited about seeing my loved ones plus overwhelmed emotionally by what had happened.
It wasn't until my penultimate day that Cathy rocked up next to me. I had lived the past 2 weeks with a woman in the first stages of dementia asking me constantly the same question. For this I had multiple ways of saying the same thing about what time the next meal was or how she walked to the bathroom. Ashamedly I wasn't patient or caring as I was too involved and distressed at my current position. When Cathy came I felt a sense of relief as she had a neck brace on and for a few hours I was sympathetic and reassuring. Unfortunately her chatter was anxious and although it may have been what I displayed but hers being without humour! I lost patience after being distracted from the last few days that I was determined to enjoy. I may sound cruel and dismissive but your journey in a hospital is very personal, there's alot of drama around and some people become very important. I would have done anything for Doreen who used to get out of bed to bring me juice but this was different. I'm a great believer that some people just aren't your kind of people, yes I've been proved wrong but people give me a feeling and although D thinks it hilarious we all have an aura. I don't care if it's a colour or a personality surrounding the person, it just is.
So when my ballet dancers ask what colour they are today they have often already brought it into the room, however sometimes a colour isn't great or it depends on your experience of it. D was always brown, from the moment met he felt safe and to me brought solid unchangeable strength. It brings me comfort and that's ok as whatever works for an individual is like I've said before, all gravy.
So when you see someone chattering about all sorts it's not an irritating habit, usually it's reaction to a trauma. Now go tell all your friends you can't shut up...not sure how as that includes most my best friends!
Happy Mondays
Always the start of a new plan or an adventure.
Hbombotx