For a while now i've not had much to say. I've felt flat, serious and unable to share that with the world. The fog is lifting and looking back on how the trauma has made my head feel, for me is as important as the physical stuff.
One of the hardest things to deal with are your own thoughts and it's something i've struggled with every since the accident. But whilst in the hospital and the brace it was much easier to live in the present. So I guess to the outside world I seemed to be coping and doing so relatively strongly. To then be crumbling inside when it's supposed to be over didn't make much sense. But that's why it's called post traumatic, it's not until you're supposedly back to 'normal' that these feelings appear. To some it wouldn't add up. With my life getting back on track I should feel happy, so why do I feel sense of humourless? The constant barrage of "are you back to normal?", "have you been back on your bike?" has left me questionning everything. That oversensitivity to comments and bubbling anger has been something I wanted to address. Although some would say I was like this before (see sense of humour is somewhere there!), I have done so behaviourly and have found comfort in the fact that traumatic experiences hold similar feelings for others.
The sense of responsibility has always been heavy on my shoulders. I took a course of action and even though I could have anticipated a tragedy I was unwilling to accept that I could not control the outcome. That lack of control, and letting go of the fact you can't rewrite history have been tough. The self blame and its association with weakness even tougher. But although feeling those things has been exhausting, understanding and expressing them has allowed me to accept coming to terms with the trauma which in turn allows you to heal.
For a while I was in a bubble and other people's trivia was existing around me. I would sit thinking why are they talking about this stuff after what's happened to me? Self centred I know but what I needed to know about was why they couldn't see the bubble. Was I not expressing myself well enough or does someone being so physically able reassure others to just carry on regardless? Thankfully that bubble is bursting, I am ready to deal with the healing process.
This had co-incided with at 6 months being signed off by my consultant to go forth and do what I will. I told him the head stuff has proved crucial to recovery and in his single minded physical approach he agreed. Atleast he will be recommending to others and allow them to heal when they are ready too.
